


Light and Dark

by bbyfruit



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, I'll add more as I go, M/M, Mental Illness, alternating pov, isak is a guru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-09 04:02:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10403484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyfruit/pseuds/bbyfruit
Summary: Vilde's not who she thought she was - but then again, nobody is who she thought they were.Or, Vilde finds herself and Isak finds growth.





	1. a long and dark december

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from violet hill by coldplay. starts right after season three ends.

It’s dark in Isak’s room, but Vilde closes her eyes anyways. That’s what you do when you’re hooking up with someone. She breathes into Magnus’s mouth and lets his hands wander wherever they want, a little too big, too warm, too callused, but it’s fine. She doesn’t mind, really. His tongue makes her teeth feel foreign. 

Magnus guides her towards the bed with his lips still on hers, her knees folding as she finds herself laying on her back. A part of her mind seems to float above her and wonder if Noora still has those makeup remover wipes to fix up her lipstick after. Magnus pulls off of her, but she keeps her eyes shut.

“You sure this is okay?” He asks breathlessly, and, God, he’s so earnest and eager, and she nods her head before she realizes that he can’t see her.

“Ja, go ahead,” she whispers. Vilde prepares herself - she’ll feel a little uncomfortable, and then kind of good, and then sick to her stomach. She wishes she had more wine. 

Magnus stops immediately when he feels the tears running slow paths down her cheeks.

“Holy fuck, Vilde, are you -”

“Keep going, it’s fine, I promise,” she says, a little desperate. She doesn’t want him to hate her because she started fucking crying during sex. Who does that?

Magnus’s body is suddenly absent from hers. “I’m not gonna fuck you while you’re crying,” he says pointedly, and she feels his weight land on the mattress beside her as tears find their way between the cracks of her eyelids. He seems afraid to touch her. Vilde’s stomach lurches.

“Do you want to talk? Like, you don't have to, I’m just offering.” 

Fuck, she thinks. She knows she can’t talk to him, shouldn’t talk to him, but in that moment, she feels like the darkness is a blanket around her, offering her protection, and maybe she did actually drink a little too much, because she whispers something she’s only ever said to herself between gasping sobs in her bathroom late at night. 

“I’m gay.”

Magnus is silent. Vilde closes her eyes tighter and digs her nails into her hands, everything inside of her screaming _run_ , but she doesn’t. She stays. And so does Magnus. 

“Okay,” he says, just as quietly. That’s all Vilde needed to hear before she curls into him, crying like she’s trying to rid herself of everything inside of her, her whole body shaking and snot getting on Magnus’s sweater as he holds her steady, tangled in Isak’s comforter.

Neither of them move until the door opens, light flooding in and footsteps stumbling into the room, accompanied by a crash against the wall. Vilde hides her face even deeper into Magnus, hearing his chest rumble with an “Oy!” 

She peeks under his arm enough to see Isak, lit up by the party outside the open door, blushing and pinned up against the wall by someone whose face she can’t see. Judging by the height and the way they’re pressed together, however, she assumes it’s Even. 

Even flips on the light and Vilde has never wanted to disappear more. 

“Magnus, what the fuck are you - shit. Vilde?” Isak's immediately turns from a hiss to true concern, and Vilde knows she’s supposed to look up at him and assure him that she’s fine, apologize for hooking up and crying in his bed, thank him for being a great host and tell him how cute he and his boyfriend are, but she really doesn’t think she can manage. She’s just so tired. 

She bites back tears and sticks close to Magnus. “Yeah, sorry bro, we’re having a moment,” he says. 

“Fuck, I thought everyone had left,” Isak mumbles, more to himself than anything. 

“Nah,” Magnus replies easily. “Is it okay if we stay here for a little bit?”

Vilde still hasn’t moved, but she can hear Isak and Even murmuring in agreement and shuffling out. 

It’s a while longer before Vilde feels like she can breathe in a rhythm again. 

“Takk,” she says into Magnus’s chest. The fibers from his sweater stick in the corners of her mouth. She sits up, head pounding. She’s probably dehydrated from the drinking and the crying, she notes, before her stomach flips again. 

“Wow,” she laughs shakily, “I really must have had too much to drink, um, I’m so sorry.” 

Magnus is propped up on his elbows when she glances at him through her fingers as she tries to cover up her surely smudged makeup. His face is so open and confused that she almost feels like crying again.

“Is it…” He pauses and tries again. “This might be stupid, but I really think you should talk to Isak. About this. The gay thing.”

Vilde takes a sharp breath in at the word - _gay_ \- and begins to busily straighten her clothes. She avoids looking Magnus in the eye with every bone in her body.

Clicking her tongue against her teeth, she works in overtime, trying to figure out to clean up this fucking mess she’s made tonight. “No, it’s fine, it really is, um, I’m just drunk and I think I need to go home?” Shit. She forgot. Her mom’s got an event at the house tonight and she’ll definitely notice if Vilde comes home with mascara all down her face. “Actually, could you find Eva? Or Noora?” 

Magnus scrambles out of the room and she’s alone. 

Vilde sit back down on the bed and cradles her hands, gathering herself together. She imagines a gift box, all those messy emotions and tears in the middle, and she pulls a ribbon to tie it up neatly. She straightens her spine. It’s going to be okay. She can fix this. 

Her eyes travel around the room as she listens hopefully for Eva’s voice outside. It’s messy, definitely a boy’s room. Hoodies and snapbacks litter the floor. Papers on the wall are mostly old memes, but she sees something that makes her pause. There’s a drawing, almost a comic, of two boys in two panels. She’s squinting her eyes to read something about cardamom when Magnus clears his throat at the door. 

“Um, Noora and Eva left. To go to another party? Isak’s trying to call them but there’s no answer, so he said you can spend the night in Noora’s room until she gets back. Or, actually, Eskild’s room, but he’s not here either, so…”

Magnus seems so nervous, like he doesn’t want to upset her, which only makes her feel worse.  

“Okay,” she says, flashing him her brightest smile. He’s not convinced. 

“Vilde,” he starts, and she feels her heart drop. “You can talk to me, ja? And I won’t tell anyone. Unless you want me to?”

“Please don’t,” she says in her smallest voice before she can stop herself.

“Okay. I’m gonna go now, but Isak and Even are in the kitchen, if you need anything.” He stands there for a second too long with a gentle smile, but then she blinks and he’s gone. 

She breathes again, slowly, over the next few minutes, reminding herself that she’s okay. Noora really must have that makeup remover somewhere.  

Vilde makes her way into the bathroom, picking her way through the occasional beer can on the ground. There’s the remains of a few joints floating in the toilet bowl, so she flushes them down before running the faucet and leaning down to sip water from the stream. She rifles through the top drawer, slamming it shut when she sees a box of condoms. Definitely not makeup wipes. 

When she finds the makeup remover, it’s actually with Eskild’s stuff, but she convinces herself that he wouldn't mind her using some and takes about half the wipe to clean herself up. She splashes water on her face and when she stares at herself in the mirror, her eyes are red, but not too bad. She’s okay. 

She’s okay until she sees Isak at the end of the hall, peering at her nervously through furrowed brows, with Even slightly behind him. They’ve never really talked about anything other than kosegruppa and rumors. Isak’s never really seemed to like her that much, either.

“Halla,” Isak says cautiously. “You okay?”

_I’m okay_ , she opens her mouth to say, but all that comes out is a little squeak. She feels vulnerable.

Isak looks back at Even, who gives him a little nod and a smile, and Vilde can’t help but notice his fingers brush the back of Isak’s neck.

“I've noticed some… things. And,” he pauses, shaking out his curls and leaning back into Even’s chest, “if you ever want advice, or anything, I’m here.”

Even joins in, gently, adding, “Me too.”

Vilde runs her dry tongue against the roof of her mouth and speaks slowly, trying desperately not to give herself away. 

“Did Magnus say anything?”

“Nei,” Isak says, looking at her again with green eyes softer than she’s ever seen them before. “He didn’t have to.”

That last sentence hangs between them as Vilde struggles to catch her breath, and, fuck, maybe she’s not as okay as she thought. The three of them seem to stand like that for an eternity, until Even speaks again.

“Would you like some tea?” 

Feeling like she’s in a trance, Vilde follows the boys into the kitchen, barely noticing that the kettle’s already been heated up and there are two cups on the counter. Even tilts his head to the table and Vilde sits gingerly. Isak slides across from her. 

He’s again looking at Even when he starts to talk again, shocking Vilde out of her trance. 

“Remember when I dated Sara?” His mouth twists down when he says her name and Vilde stares blankly. Even sets a mug in front of her, so she wraps both hands around it for warmth, hoping it’ll ground her as Even folds himself next to Isak. 

“I never really felt like myself around her,” he continues, quiet in the harsh lights of the kitchen. “Like I was pretending, you know? I just did what I was supposed to do.”

Vilde presses her shaking lips to the mug and swallows. The tea burns her tongue, but at least it reminds her that she’s there. She’s okay. 

“And I’d just get as drunk or as high as I could and hook up with girls at every party, but it was just so fake. I knew who I was but I was hiding it.”

Her heart beats with every word that Isak says - Isak, who always looked at her like she was a nuisance, a pest, talked to her like she was a chore, was now telling her things that hit her right in the gut. She keeps drinking. Her tastebuds feel raw.

“So this year, when I went to that first kosegruppa meeting,” he says with a small smile and a nod in Vilde’s direction, “things changed.”

“Because you met me,” Even adds, and Isak rolls his eyes. 

“Ja, I met Even, but it was more than that.” He clears his throat and shifts in his seat. “So, I just thought that maybe… maybe you needed to hear that. And to just know that you’re not alone.”

Even’s breath catches across the table and Vilde glances up at the two of them. It’s hard for her to picture Isak with Sara, or Emma, or any of the other girls now that he’s with Even. There’s something so unmistakably right about the two of them, and Vilde’s heart slows a bit as she watches the way Isak’s eyes flutter down to look at the table. He’s looking at her side of the table, actually, and when Vilde follows his line of sight, she’s shocked to see teardrops under her.  

She’s even more shocked when she wipes her face and her hand comes away wet. The more she tells herself how okay she is, the less okay she actually feels, and she really can’t tell if she wants to shrink into herself or explode. She settles for forcing a smile.

“Thanks for the tea, Even. And Isak… thanks for everything.”

As fast as she can move without being completely impolite, she pushes her chair back and makes her way towards Eskild’s room, tears blurring her vision as she hears Even say, “Baby, you tried.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how many chapters this thing is going to be so bear with me!! but i'm really excited. pov will probably switch between vilde and isak because i love them both so much.
> 
> i'm so here for supportive!Mags and guru!Isak
> 
> did anyone else catch the you're not alone reference lmao i'm gonna COMBUST
> 
> anyways it's a rough start but i promise it gets better <3


	2. tell me that i'm getting through to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak gets made fun of, understands Vilde, meets Even's parents, and understands Vilde even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from the otherside by russ

Isak wakes up on Saturday morning, expecting… not this. He blinks a few times, surprised. He honestly can’t remember the last time he’s woken up after a Friday night party without a hangover. He enjoys it for a while. Light filters into his room, sending dust particles dancing, and he blinks lazily. It’s peaceful for a few blessed minutes.

“Isak Valtersen,” Eskild says dramatically, throwing the door open. Isak groans and immediately pulls Even’s pillow over his face. “Why is Vilde half naked in my bed?”

Shit. He’d kind of forgotten about that. “Oh,” he responds, squinting up at Eskild, who’s now made his way over to the bed and stands with his hands on his hips as Isak explains. “She was too drunk to go home. Or whatever. And we couldn’t get ahold of Noora or Eva, so. Ja.”

Eskild gives him a weird look, but Isak’s just woken up and he doesn’t have the mental capacity to decipher Eskild’s every move. “Okay, whatever,” Eskild says, spinning on his heel. “Your boyfriend’s making breakfast,” he calls over his shoulder, and Isak hauls himself up and follows him into the kitchen. 

With Even just beginning to come out of his depressive episode, Isak isn’t quite sure what he’ll find. It’s another surprise this morning when Even is standing, bouncing a bit on the balls of his feet, lighting up the kitchen and joking with Noora. 

He turns to Isak with a grin, and Isak’s heart just about falls through the floor. Even pulls him in for a hug. It’s warm and solid and Even’s golden hair spills into his eyes, so he just closes them and breathes. “Halla,” Even whispers in that voice he reserves for Isak. Isak tilts his chin up, asking for a kiss, and Even complies before going back to flipping pancakes.

“Noora,” Isak says, pulling himself up to sit on the counter, “did you talk to Vilde?”

“Vilde? No, she was still asleep.” Noora tilts her head. “Why?”

“Nah, no reason,” Isak says with a small shrug of his shoulders. Even makes a face at him, his eyebrows saying, _fuck, you're such a bad liar,_ and Isak glares back. 

“I’ll check on her now though,” Noora offers lightly, hair swishing as she leaves the room. 

Isak stares at Eskild. He looks right back over his cup of tea. “Oh, is this - did you want me to leave?” he asks, faking shock. “Me? Your guru?” Isak doesn’t break eye contact.

“Fine,” Eskild says, standing up with all the acting skill in the world, “but I’m coming back when the food’s ready.”

When they’re finally alone, Isak hops down from the counter and lets his fingers trail down Even’s back. “It’s all good?” he questions, hating the nervous tremble in voice, but asking anyways. Even looks at him with that smile.

“It’s all good,” he says, easy and soft like the kiss he gives Isak right afterwards. Isak can barely contain his smile as Even backs him slowly against the counter he was just sat on, hands in his hair and kissing all the way until Eskild screams from the other room.

“Hello! Breakfast!”

\---

Vilde walks in as they’re finishing up with Even’s pancakes. Eskild’s mouth is full of food and compliments as Isak whines about him trying to steal his boyfriend. Noora’s the first to notice her, but Vilde’s looking at Isak when he turns to the doorway.

“Good morning.” He’s cautious. He really does’t want to push her, knowing how much harsher these things can seem in the daylight, especially with Vilde looking so pale and small in Noora’s sweater. 

“Pancake?” Even offers brightly. Isak knits his eyebrows together. He’s begun to realize that Even’s the type of person that wants to fix everything with food, cheese toasties and eggs and pancakes.

Vilde purses her lips at the plates until Noora interjects, simply saying, “They’re good.”

The dynamic changes with the addition of Vilde at the table. Everyone’s wary, and of course it’s Eskild who starts talking to cover up the awkwardness. 

“What’s the deal with Chris and that Kasper? Are they attached at the hip? He wasn’t even at the kosegruppa party, and the he shows up out of nowhere halfway through the night and they can’t keep their hands off each other.”

Isak crinkles his nose before asking for clarification. “Chris?”

“Our Chris, not Penetrator Chris,” Noora says, like it should be obvious.

“Noora!” Esklid gasps, “remember when you and Eva were convinced that Isak was hooking up with Chris?”

Isak’s eyes dart between the two of them, and he’s even more confused than before with Eskild laughing and Noora hanging her head. “Chris?” he repeats.

“Penetrator,” Noora confirms, and Isak’s mouth drops as his face reddens. He glances around the table - Vilde’s eyes are glassy as she’s laughing, Eskild tilts his chair back, Noora looks ashamed but still giggles, and Even looks so amused.

“Penetrator,” Even says slowly, smirking at Isak. 

Isak rolls his eyes. “What the fuck, Noora?”

“William and I saw you in his car! You were talking all the time,” she argues. 

Shaking his head, Isak disagrees vehemently. “Nei? It was just because of the Yakuza fights.”

Vilde still hasn’t spoken, but she shares a glance with Noora at the mention of the fights, and Even frowns. 

“I heard about that at Bakka,” he says, looking at Isak. “That was you?” As Isak waves him off and turns to Noora, Even shoves at his shoulder a bit. “Is this the stuff I don’t want to know?”

Eskild throws down his napkin and stands up, announcing, “I’ve got a coffee date. Isak, tell Even about your drama.”

Even laughs and throws his arm around Isak, but with Eskild gone, the air quickly becomes tense again. Vilde pushes around the food on her plate under Noora’s watchful eye. Isak finds himself studying her, trying to figure out what’s going on in her mind. Obviously they’re not going to have the same experience, but Isak thinks he knows a little about what she’s going through. 

“Want to stop by Eva’s?” Noora asks Vilde as she gets up from the table. Isak sees the rush of emotions pass on Vilde’s open face - sheer joy, love, confusion, guilt, frustration, and confusion, all in a fraction of a second, and that’s when he realizes that he knows exactly what she’s going through. 

\---

With the girls and Eskild gone and breakfast cleaned up, a plate outside Linn’s door and the ringing sounds of a knock still hanging above it, Even turns to Isak in the kitchen with his eyebrows shot up high. “So, the Yakuza fights,” he prompts, and Isak sighs. Fuck Eskild.

“Ja. I don’t even know what it was about,” he says casually, but Even sees through it like he always does. “I only called Chris because they beat up Jonas.” He knows he sounds defensive. Even wipes his hands on a towel, and he looks so open that Isak finishes explaining in a rush. 

“Just, like, we had a plan until it happened at the bus party and William smashed that bottle, so, just, a lot of drama,” he ends without flair. 

Even lets out a laugh as he asks, “You were in a fist fight?”

Isak screws up his face in response, basking in the teasing tone of Even’s voice and bumping their shoulders together. “Ja? I go hard. I’m the fucking best fighter there ever was. I’ll fight you.”

With that last comment, Even bursts into a full laugh, eyes almost closed except he’s looking at Isak, whose body is fucking humming with happiness. There’s life radiating out of every pore in Even’s body. He has that downright magnetic energy, the kind that caught Isak’s attention and holds it, makes him laugh and cry and want to stay with him when that energy swells to unbearable heights and dips to unfathomable lows. 

Even’s laugh still resounds in Isak’s mouth when he pulls away from the kiss he’s somehow found himself in. 

“Actually, I barely even touched anyone. Jonas put himself, like, literally between me and the fight,” Isak admits, and Even smiles so softly. 

“He’s a good friend,” Even mumbles, low, and Isak can’t help but fall back into the kiss.

\---

Isak’s phone has blown up while he slept and spent the morning lazing around flipping between movies and making out with Even. He sighs and begins to clean up his messages, first shooting off a quick text to Vilde.

**Isak**

Hi Vilde, I just wanted to check up on you and make sure everything’s 

okay. We can meet for  coffee sometime this week if you want. Just let me know.

Bracing himself, he checks the group, scrolling up to the top to get to last night. It started, he assumes, when Magnus disappeared with Vilde.

**Jonas**

magggggssss

Taking desperate to a WHOLE new level

**Mahdi**

living out his dream

**Jonas**

hahaha

ph shit

oh

ISSY TOO

GET IT

**Mahdi**

We’re leaving, can’t find either of you…

**Jonas**

They’re busy

There’s been no texts since then. Jonas is probably dead asleep still, if he sticks to his normal Saturday routine. Isak tries to figure out if he should mention that he did not get it, because there’s something about finding a crying girl and your friend with his pants unzipped in your bed that kind of ruins the mood. Before he finishes the text, however, Even rolls off Isak’s bed and starts rifling through his closet.

“Uh. Halla? Are you looking for something?” he asks, hands lifted up from the elbows that are resting on his knees.

“We’re getting you dressed. You can’t meet my mom without a shirt on,” Even says, holding an old sweater up to the light and frowning at it. “Does this still fit you?”

Isak can’t help be a little nervous. He tells himself that Even’s mom asked about him, wanted to meet him. It’ll be okay.

“I’m not wearing that,” he snorts. “It’s Jonas’s from before Nissen.”

“Do you own anything that’s not actually Jonas’s?” Even smiles, and it strikes Isak that he’s not the only nervous one right now. 

“The Superman snapback,” Isak says, throwing on a long sleeve shirt that’s nice without trying. “Good?” he asks, gesturing down, and Even runs the tip of his tongue along his teeth as he scans Isak’s body, finally nodding. 

They layer up and head outside. Isak can feel heat radiating off of Even as their arms brush, and he shivers a little, leaning into him. Even tosses an arm around his shoulders as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, and in that simple motion, Isak feels so secure in a way he never thought he’d be able to. He feels loved, even though the word hits his heart with a pang, thinking about the only time Even’s said it. In a text that ruined him. Fuck. He shakes the thoughts out of his head and snuggles into Even. 

When they arrive at Even’s apartment, Isak follows Even in. He’s delirious with deja vu for a second as Even leans against the wall, kicking his shoes off and calling out for his mom.

“Kitchen!” a woman’s voice yells back.

Isak’s breath catches in his throat when he sees her. Short blonde hair, shorter than Even’s, but the same shade. When she turns around and smiles, there’s no way to deny that she’s Even’s mother. She’s shorter than both Even and Isak, of course, but she’s tall and lanky in the same way as her son. 

She hugs Even tight, but her eyes - brown, not blue - are focused on Isak. “You going to introduce us?” she asks Even, head tilting to Isak.

“Isak, this is my mother. Mom, Isak,” Even says, almost proudly, and before Isak can open his mouth to say anything, she hugs him too. Isak swallows around a lump in his throat at the scent that envelops him - cookies and citrus and little bit of Chanel. He only knows that because of Eskild. Obviously.

“I’m Ann. Let me look at you,” she says, face lit from the inside, just like Even. Ann grins at him for a while, her hands on his arms, and Isak smiles back before she turns and starts talking to Even. 

“Lisa’s not back yet, but she should be here soon, so I figured we’d have a snack or something together.”

Isak gives Even a look - _who the fuck is Lisa?_

“Mom’s girlfriend,” he says, reaching around Ann to grab something from the plate he’s preparing and popping it in his mouth. “Been together for most of my life.”

Isak stands in shock. Even never seemed to struggle with his sexuality like Isak did, so this development certainly makes sense, but still, what the fuck? It’s another surprise. Isak blinks a few times, reminds himself that this isn’t like the last time he was blindsided in this apartment. His mind catches up and he feels himself slip back into place in his own mind. He’s got two parents to charm now, he thinks, and that’s the cue for the door to open. 

Lisa is gorgeous, walking in with her hair pulled up and an expensive-looking suit, carrying flowers and a grocery bag. “Even! Where’s this boy I’ve heard about?”

Directed by Even’s eyes, she looks at Isak appraisingly, all high cheekbones and burning eyes. She’s going to be the tough one, Isak thinks, and it’s then that she hugs him tight. “Thank you,” she whispers, and pulls back to move over and give Ann a peck on the cheek.

\---

Eating is casual, sat around a well-lit table that hums with love. Ann and Lisa tease Even, gently, but still making him fake offense and turn to Isak for backup. They joke around in a way that fills the entire apartment. When the laughter dies down, Lisa turns to Isak.

“So, Isak,” she starts, and he know’s immediately what’s coming. “What year are you in?”

“Second,” he says, glancing at Even, who gives him a grin of encouragement.

“Have you considered what you want to do after school?”

Even groans. “Let up bit;  he’s seventeen.”

“Actually, I want to go into biology. Preferably something with research, but I’m not sure yet,” Isak answers, and Even looks surprised.

“I didn’t know that,” he says softly. 

Isak clicks his tongue and shrugs a bit. “It’s not important in this minute,” he replies, and he and Even share a minute where it's just them, smiling at each other while Lisa falls silent, grinning at Ann. 

There’s a few more questions. Isak is beyond grateful that Even shakes his head slightly when they start getting close to questions about Isak’s parents, and even more grateful that Ann and Lisa listen to Even and back off.

He knew that they must trust Even, to let him stay at Isak’s when he was depressed, but seeing the way they interact is so different than he pictured. All three of them flow so well together - it’s the kind of family Isak always craved. Conversation bounces off the walls as the time flies, and soon he finds himself pressed up against the doorway as Even kisses him goodbye. He’s decided to stay in his own bed. 

“I’ll miss you,” Even whispers into Isak’s ear.

Isak pushes him off dramatically. “You’re such a sap. Let me go.”

Even pulls off of him, but even as he does so, he looks Isak in the eyes and tells him, “Never.”

That image sticks in Isak’s head all the way home, or at least until he gets the message from Vilde.

**Vilde**

Can you meet now? Sorry to ask.

**Isak**

It’s fine. Where?

**Vilde**

I’m at yours.

They end up at KB, Vilde’s hands wrapped around tea. She still hasn’t said anything. Isak doesn’t push it, just leans back in his seat and nuzzles into his scarf. She’ll talk when she’s ready, just like he did over kebabs. 

“When did you know? Like, for sure,” she breathes.

“Even,” he answers simply. He doesn’t have to wonder what she means. The next word that comes out of his mouth isn’t as easy, but he asks anyways. “You?”

Vilde is quiet. She shakes her head and switches on a smile, blinding and bright. Isak squints back at her.

“You guys are so cute,” she says. Her smile is just as fake as Isak was with hoodies and pills on his tongue, so he stays silent for a bit and watches her. 

“Vilde -” Isak starts, slow and leaning forward, and like that, she’s gone, pushing back her chair.

“I’ve got to go catch up with Sana, but thanks for this!” Isak thinks she’s shaking with the effort of that smile. “Give Even my love!”

He texts her afterwards, still sitting at that stool by the window, and she reads it without responding.

**Isak**

I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I hope that’s soon, but it’s okay if it’s not. It’s okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAH THIS WAS SO GAY I LOVE IT
> 
> im so sad for my daughter vilde but i swear it gets better not clickbait


	3. i don't rock the boat, but it's always unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilde tries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from that old black hole by dr. dog
> 
> partly inspired from that text post about squads in the kitchen (i'll find it)
> 
> *WARNINGS: description of an anxiety/panic attack, underage drinking, marijuana

Vilde awakens with a plan. Granted, it’s her plan for every Monday morning, but she throws herself into it whole-heartedly today. It takes her fifteen minutes to get ready - stretches, leggings and a tee, bending her toes to slide them into thin Nikes, whipping her blonde hair into a ponytail that swings as she thuds down the stairs in her house.

She heads to the basement and takes a deep breath. “Hi, Mama,” she says, and steps to the treadmill. 

Vilde’s mother, tall, thin, and elegant, has been down in the gym she’d installed in their home for two hours already, barely breaking a sweat. With an earpiece in, she nods in her daughter’s direction and continues curling her toned arms. 

“No, you’re not listening,” she snaps to whoever’s on the line. Vilde judges by her tone of voice that it’s probably her assistant. “That’s not what the client - are you fucking kidding me? Don’t touch anything. I’m on my fucking way. Cocksucker.”

She barely looks at Vilde before she leaves, only pausing to tell her, “There’s protein powder in the kitchen.”

Vilde smiles and tucks earbuds into her own ears, pushing up the volume as she picks up the pace, letting her mind wander. She really does love her mother, it’s just sometimes it feels as if her mother doesn’t love her. Her mother _does_ love her, really, truly, and she shows it by pushing Vilde to be the best she can. Vilde breaks into a jog. Mama is just setting her up for a successful future. It’s the greatest gift a parent could give a child, and she’s grateful to be on the receiving end. 

As the only child of a single parent, Vilde is used to being alone. She can lose herself for hours in her own mind, tracing through familiar paths. It’s how she spends the next hour - matching her breathing to the pound of her feet and the pop music that surrounds her as she thinks. Within the past year, she’s been following one train of thought often. When she lets herself go like this, focused on her heartbeat, on the workout, her mind falls back to one point. One person. 

She can’t help but think about Eva.

It’s not a _romantic_ type of thought, but Eva’s her best friend on Earth. Vilde pushes back a strand of hair and imagines what Eva might be doing at that exact moment. She’s probably still asleep, auburn hair splayed out on the white pillows, lips barely parted. Vilde’s heart beats faster. Too fast. She turns down the incline and the speed and starts her cool down. There’s a hundred clamoring voices that turn her stomach. This is more than wanting to be like Eva, they say. Normal girls aren’t like this. Everything about this is wrong. 

Vilde finds herself in her bathroom, still lost in her thoughts, queasy and sweaty. She runs the shower freezing cold. She knows her thoughts are stupid. She doesn’t even know what _this_ is. One voice, smaller and meaner than the rest, whispers, yes, you do. Vilde ignores it. The water’s so cold that her body begins to numb. Tilting her head back, she welcomes the silence.

* * *

 

**Noora**

The door is open, so just come in when you get here

**Chris**

*fire emoji*

Vilde lugs her bags into the kollektivet, calling a cheerful “Hei!” ahead of her. The girls had insisted on spending time together as much as possible during their break from school, and so Vilde had arranged on a dinner at Noora’s and then hanging out with the boys. They’ve been planning it since last week, and although Vilde feels dizzy at the thought of seeing Magnus again, she can’t very well put an end to it now. 

Noora is already at the cutting board, chopping what looks like red peppers. “Hei, Vilde,” she says, and leans over to peer in the bags. “What did you bring?”

“Tortilla,” Vilde responds, smiling softly at her friend. Noora gives her a soft, knowing look. 

“Is that Vilde?” Eva cries from Noora’s room, and Vilde barely has time to comprehend what’s going on before Eva’s warm arms are wrapped around her. Her breath catches as she giggles a bit. Every second she’s in contact with Eva feels like a hundred seconds, her mind floating outside of her body. Too soon, Eva lets her go. 

“Are you drunk already?” Vilde says, scrunching her nose to hide the fact that she still can’t pull air all the way into her lungs. 

Eva laughs. “Nei, just in a good mood.” She reaches past Noora to grab a snack, popping it in her mouth before Vilde can even see what she’s eating. “Chris came over last night,” Eva says, smirking a bit. Vilde can’t breathe again. 

“Not me, I hope,” Chris jokes as she walks in with Sana behind her. 

“Chris! No, your name twin.”

Vilde knows her smile is too wide and toothy, but she just keeps stretching the muscles on her face wider, because every time Eva mentions Chris, her throat stops working. The fact that Eva is literally _glowing_ makes it even worse. 

When Vilde finally brings herself out of her head, the whole group is still joking around her. Chris is throwing something in the air, juggling, while Eva sits perched on the counter. It’s not long before Noora brings dinner to the table and the girls gather around to eat.

“You okay?” Eva asks Vilde, pretty mouth turned down over the collar of her turtleneck.

“Ja,” Vilde says. “Pass the potatoes?”

* * *

 

It’s a bit past 20:00 when the boys stumble into the kitchen, shoulders banging together and voices filling the apartment. With Isak living with Noora and being friends with Sana, Jonas and Eva’s history, and the whole _mess_ between Vilde and Magnus, it only makes sense that the two groups would come together.

Vilde nervously chews on the inside of her cheek, unable to tear her eyes away from Magnus. He nods at her and she glances down. By the time she looks up again, he’s standing in front of her. 

“We’re friends, right?” he asks bluntly. Vilde blinks.

“Ja, I guess,” she squeaks. 

“Chill,” he says, grinning big and genuine, and just as quickly, he’s gone across the room to dance with Chris. 

Vilde lets out a shaky breath. How could Magnus just be so _okay_ with everything? She looks around the room to make sure nobody’s noticed the interaction just now, and, fuck, she meets Sana’s eyes first. Sana always seems to know when something’s up. Honestly, Vilde’s never quite given up on the psychic hijab theory, so she swallows a sip of wine and shifts her eyes over, gliding over Chris laughing with Mahdi to see Isak watching her. He’s leaned back into Even’s side against the counter, talking to Jonas, but he’s looking her dead in the eyes. 

They sit like that for a beat too long, Isak’s eyes steady on hers, and she breaks off to down the rest of her glass in one gulp. It’s not her first by a long shot, so she wobbles a bit when she moves over to dance with Noora and Eva. They welcome her easily, Noora laughing a bit at how tipsy Vilde and Eva both are, and when Eva grabs onto her, Vilde forgets everything that she thought was wrong. 

The boys party differently than the girls, but the group dynamics mesh well together. Eva, Noora, and Vilde dance at the center, all tossing hair and wide-mouthed laughter. From her position, Vilde can see the entire room. 

Music swells around the teenagers. Vilde leans into Eva. Head hanging over Eva’s shoulder, Vilde watches Even roll his hips into Isak, who’s dancing buzzed and blushing pink. Jonas has lit a joint at some point. He offers it to Sana, who gives him a glare that Vilde can feel on the other side of the kitchen, so he laughs and passes it to Mahdi. Mahdi tilts his head as he exhales, a slow grin lighting him up brightly as he offers it to Magnus. Magnus, spinning Chris around, bounds over to him, and Vilde hears Mahdi’s calming voice say, “Ja, it’s good shit.” Chris continues dancing on her own, but she bumps into Magnus often. Even snags the quickly diminishing joint before it’s gone with long fingers and presses it against Isak’s lips. Isak takes a drag, long and slow, his eyes never leaving Even’s, and Vilde’s just grateful that those eyes aren’t on her anymore.

Eskild bursts in at some point to the hazy room. Noora yells to ask him how his date went. He swishes his hand and says something that Vilde doesn’t quite catch, but Noora gives him an apologetic look.

She must go over to talk to him, because suddenly, Eva’s full attention is on Vilde. She tosses her arms over Vilde’s shoulders, messy drunk and sloppy, leaning in way too close with wet lips brushing Vilde’s cheeks. Vilde’s just drunk enough on wine and the fruity thing Eva gave her to laugh into her, stomach warm and worries forgotten, and she closes her eyes when Eva swipes Vilde’s mouth with her own, teasing. Vilde’s not in control anymore, so she lets herself chase after Eva’s lips. They crash into each other, smiling and warm, mouths pressed together, and Eva’s tongue fits perfectly inside Vilde’s mouth. 

When she opens her eyes, the worries returns. There’s only nine other people in the room, and every single one of them noticed the kiss. Vilde’s heart drops when Eskild stage whispers, “What was that?” to Noora.

“Ja, they do that,” Noora says, waving her arm. 

“We’re the best of friends,” Eva says to Vilde, almost hanging off her shoulder. Her eyes are bright, and her smile is big and lazy across her face. “Right, Vilde?”

“Right,” Vilde breathes, unable to look around, because she knows Magnus must have his mouth gaping open. 

“Sure,” Eskild snorts, and she glances up at him just in time to see Isak move off the couch, grab Magnus’s arm, and drag him off to the hallway. 

“So,” Even says, straightening up and smiling at everyone, “drinking game?”

Vilde’s sobered up shockingly fast with the fear that clutches at her entire body, and she uses the cheers in response to Even’s attempt at a distraction to move closer to the hall, until she can hear Magnus’s confused voice mid-sentence.

“ - bisexual?”

“I don’t fucking know,” Isak hisses, voice low and exasperated. “But you’re not gonna go in there and ask, ja?”

“But if Vilde’s a lesbian,” Magnus starts. He’s stopped by the shatter of glass. Every person in the apartment turns to Vilde, alarmed with wide eyes, and she didn’t even know she was holding a glass, much less that she’d dropped it. She can’t feel her hands. 

“Fuck,” Isak says, and his voice sounds a million miles away. Vilde’s mouth is open, and it feels like something is trying to claw its way out of her, so she keeps gasping, but all she hears is a roaring in her ears. 

“Move. Eva, not right now, get off of her. You guys keep drinking,” and suddenly, Vilde’s in a room with cold tile on her back and she can’t see, “I can’t,” she says desperately, and Isak’s voice surrounds her.

He’s grabbing her shoulders, which she can feel, but barely, although she hears him when he says, “You’re having an anxiety attack,” which doesn’t make any fucking sense because she’s not anxious, she just can’t _breathe_ , or _see_ , or feel her hands and face.

“Breathe,” Isak tells her, but she can’t, so she falls into him while he tells her how. “In. Out.”

She can’t tell how long it when she returns to herself. They’re on the floor of the bathroom and she’s exhausted, but Isak’s still there.

“How’d you know how to do that?” she asks, when she can speak again. “How to help?”

He smiles at her, sadly. “It’s what Jonas used to do for me.”

Vilde knows that she needs to thank him and get back to the party, find Eva, clean up her mess again, but, fuck, she’s tired to the bone. The floor is so nice. It’s cold against her, not like Eva’s warmth, but it feels soothing on her skin. 

“Is it okay if Even comes in here?” Isak asks, and he almost sounds apologetic. 

She doesn’t trust that her voice will work, so she just nods. Isak doesn’t bother to untangle himself from Vilde. He calls, “Ev?” from his seat on the floor. It’s barely half a second before Even’s in the doorway, worried.

“How’s it going out there?” Isak says lowly.

“Most everyone left,” Even says, and even though her eyes are closed, Vilde can feel him looking at her with the same quiet intensity Isak did. “Sana took Chris home. The boys went back to Mahdi’s, I think. But Noora and Eskild are still here. And,” he hesitates, “Eva.”

“Help me carry her?”

Vilde opens her mouth to protest, but before she can, she’s in the air, Even’s arms under her knees and back, and Isak’s supporting her head. Even lays her on the couch, and she breathes with a shudder. 

She’s almost asleep. Darkness fringes her vision and voices, hushed and rapid, cover her. 

“Eva,” Noora says, gently as ever, “I think you should leave.”

Vilde thinks she hears tears in Eva’s voice, when she responds. Something about taking Vilde home.

“Please don’t make me go home,” Vilde whispers, and it’s Eskild who kneels beside her so she can see him. 

“Of course not, princess,” he says, and he glances at someone behind her with his eyes watery. “You can sleep here.”

With Eskild’s voice and the sound of the door closing solidly in her ears, she lets her eyes close and falls blissfully into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KEEP APOLOGIZING BUT YEAH 
> 
> just a psa but vilde's panic attack is written from my own experience especially the sleeping directly after
> 
> someone talk to me about the DAMN PARALLELS between isak and vilde
> 
> ((uh yeah it will get better this is some pretty heavy angst but like COMING OUT IS HARD YO))
> 
> also hmu on tumblr @lesbovilde


	4. just kids with a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak surrounds himself with the best people he knows and tries not to think too far ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from late nights in the city by phora (HEAVILY inspired by so give it a listen)
> 
> warnings for underage drinking, marijuana, the usual boy squad shenanigans

“You say that about every movie,” Isak whines, but the smile on his face betrays him. 

“Yeah, but I’m serious about this one! It’s a real masterpiece. And it’s not even a Luhrmann.” Even’s eyes are still a little tired, a little clouded, but when he grins back at Isak, it’s all genuine. Isak is so grateful that he leans across Even and hits play on the movie. 

Isak is laying on Even’s bare chest, enjoying the way his voice feels like an earthquake down Isak’s spine when he says, “Look at how the colors are used.”

Scrunching up his nose in distaste, Isak complains again, saying, “This is fucking weird.” Even hushes him with a finger to his lips, because he knows Isak’s just being a brat for the attention, and it makes Isak’s heart swell to think that Even knows him so well already. 

It’s not long until Isak stops paying attention to the movie altogether. He instead watches the storyline that plays across Even’s face as he watches raptly, cracking a smile at the dark humor with the reflection of the screen in his eyes. Really, honestly, truly, Isak believes that everything about Even is beautiful. He’s nothing like anyone Isak’s ever met, or anyone he ever will met. He knows that in the core of his being. 

“Why the fuck are you laughing? This is awful!” Isak exclaims. His voice tips up, teasing again, and Even leans his head back so they can look at each other.

“Oh,” he says sarcastically, “I’m so sorry it’s not Adam Sandler.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“I guess some humor requires real intellect,” Even says quietly, but he chuckles again when Isak’s head pops up. 

Each time that Even laughs, Isak feels his world fall back into place a little bit more, so he keeps up the act, ranting sloppily, “Excuse me? I’m the smartest out of both of us, a fucking six in biology!” He expects Even to be laughing, but when he looks up to check his face, Even’s just looking at him with the softest look on his face, like he’d give Isak anything he wanted, and Isak’s breath catches in his throat as they stare at each other while the movie continues behind them. 

The moment is interrupted by the ping of Isak’s phone.

**Magnus**

squaaaaaaad

lets do something im bored

Isak groans. Of course Magnus is the one to interrupt them every single time. “Mags wants to do something,” he explains in response to Even’s questioning look.

More texts are coming in.

**Mahdi**

I’m down

**Jonas**

Ja me too

**Magnus**

Issy?

invite even too

team evak <3

They’re laying so close that Isak knows Even can’t help but read the messages, and his assumption is confirmed when Even chuckles at Magnus’s terms of endearment. 

Isak looks at him with an eyebrow raised.

“Let’s go,” Even says.

“You up for it?” Isak asks, cautiously, but still expecting an honest answer. He watches Even closely. 

“Yeah,” he says, “I like spending time with your friends.”

**Isak**

Even’s here rn he says sure

**Magnus**

at yours?

**Mahdi**

Eyyyyyy

Isak knows it’s kind of bragging; he didn’t have to mention that Even was with him, but fuck, he wants them to know. He doesn’t have to hide anything anymore. He can breathe. He can tell his friends that there’s a boy still in his bed a little after noon, assumptions be damned, even though all the assumptions would be definitely true. And so he does. He shows off. 

**Jonas**

where can we go

**Mahdi**

Skate park?

He can feel Jonas pause through the phone. Isak knows that Jonas associates the skate park with Eva, with their breakup, and Isak himself is consequently reminded of the shitty choices he made back then. But really, he misses the skate park beyond Eva. Before her, it was a place sacred to he and Jonas, where they’d go when one of them needed a break from whatever was going on in their lives. 

**Jonas**

Chill

Meet in an hour?

**Magnus**

*thumbs up emoji*

**Isak**

We’ll be there

**Mahdi**

All good

Even pushes Isak off his chest gently and leans off the bed to rifle through the clothes on the floor from last night. He tosses a shirt at Isak.

“This isn’t even mine,” he says, and Even brushes his hand through the air as if to remind him that it doesn’t matter. 

So Isak leaves the house with Even’s shirt hanging a little too long, wrapped up in layers and a scarf that tickles his chin, leading his boyfriend to a place he’d never thought he’d be in this situation. It’s a little surreal to see the same old graffiti on the walls, Jonas already on his board, like nothing had changed in the past year. The old bases were still there, just new additions. Isak with his hands linked with those of a boy that lit his heart on fire. A new Illuminati triangle above one of the benches. Magnus and Mahdi, cracking jokes with hot coffee in their hands. But right there, at the base of it all, it’s how it’s always been - Isak and Jonas. 

Isak grins and pulls Even into the skate park. “Can you skate?” he asks.

Even shrugs. “Not since I was, like, fourteen. You?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? We used to come here every day. For years. Years, Even.” Isak rolls his eyes and drops the bravado when Even raises his eyebrows. “Nei, I can barely stand up on a board.”

Even laughs, eyes crinkling up under the hem of his beanie, and for a split second, Isak’s world slows to a stop. Every fucking time. He keeps waiting for the shine to wear off, for Even’s smile to stop being so damn magical, but it never does. Something inside of him whispers, _you’ll never get tired of this_ , and it’s true, so he makes note of this memory. It’s so good. He’ll have to save it up for when it’s bad again. 

Something suddenly blocks Even from Isak’s view, and he blinks rapidly before realizing that it’s Magnus’s back. Magnus has Even wrapped in a hug, but Even’s still managed to hang on to Isak’s hand, so Isak takes a moment to ground himself through Even’s fingers, reminding himself to stop thinking about remembering the good times and just live minute by minute. 

In this minute, Jonas rolls up to them and nods at Even and Isak. Magnus lets Even go, but Even doesn’t let Isak go. 

“Even, you wanna have a go on my board?” Jonas asks, and Even looks at Isak for confirmation. Always looking to check if Isak is comfortable. 

“Sure, man, if you don’t mind,” Even says. Magnus whoops and they head off, Isak watching as Even adjusts to the motion, obviously a little rusty, but he’s got the muscle memory he needs.

Jonas is watching him closely. When Isak catches him, he twists up his mouth and jerks his head a bit, silently asking Jonas, _what are you looking at?_

“We haven’t really had a chance to talk,” Jonas says, and Isak exhales with a tiny eye roll.

“Ja, that’s because I’m fine,” he says defensively. Jonas has been through nearly everything with him, but sometimes he can see things in Isak that aren’t really there, constantly searching for something to protect. Isak has always been older and taller, but Jonas has always been his protector. 

“How’s your mom?” Jonas asks pointedly, and Isak feels his walls go up, but, fucking hell, it’s _Jonas_. He sighs.

“I don’t know,” he answers. He’s trying to be more honest. “Like, I haven’t gotten any texts from her recently, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. So I’m just… taking it as it goes, I guess.”

Jonas nods. “That’s good,” he says, eyes following the boys across the park as they goof around, Mahdi’s laugh echoing off the walls that enclose them. “And,” Jonas says, attaching a heavy weight to the word that makes Isak brace himself, “how are you?”

“Fine,” he says immediately. He can tell Jonas doesn’t believe him. Shit, he thinks, this honesty thing really is hard. The majority of his life has been spent with lies, covering things up, ignoring the way his heart used to beat faster when Jonas looked at him exactly the way he’s looking at him now. Honest, he reminds himself. “Or, well, everything’s good right now. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? But I’m trying not the think like that.”

“What about the shit with Vilde the other night? You good after that?” Isak sucks in his breath at the question. 

“Yeah,” he says, “yeah, I really think I am. It felt good to be able to help her.”

“Okay,” Jonas says, finally satisfied with his interrogation. “I’m proud of you, bro.”

Isak lets out a surprised laugh, the exact kind he did when Jonas had called Even handsome. “What?”

Jonas shrugs in reply. “You’re doing good. Even’s good. You guys are fucking holding hands. Not to be rude, but I kind of never thought you’d have something like that.”

Isak grins. “Me neither.”

* * *

 

They stay at the skate park until the sun goes down, hours of switching boards and yelling at each other. It starts to get cold and Magnus starts asking about getting pizza. Isak walks between Even and Jonas down the street, bumped back and forth between their shoulders. Even and Mahdi are deep in conversation about some indie clothing line. Magnus watches with wide eyes, trying to jump in, but eventually saying, “Fuck, I’m too hungry to keep up.”

Isak wades in the comfortable silence between he and Jonas. He feels like they’re slowly getting back to where they were before Isak closed himself off, so deeply involved in cutting off pieces of himself that he ended up cutting off Jonas too. It’s been so long since they could just exist together. 

He sits across from Even when they all slide into the booth to eat their pizza. From this angle, he can watch him, read through the runny red nose and joking mouth to see that, yeah, Even looks kind of tired, but he’s having a good time. And he looks gorgeous. Being the two tallest people at the table results in their legs being tangled in each other underneath the surface, and Isak finds comfort in the knowledge that Even is so close to him as they eat and laugh. 

“Even, no, listen, have you heard about my cat story?”

The boys groan in unison. Isak’s beginning to suspect that Magnus likes spending time with Even just so he can reuse old stories.

“So there’s this girl, and we’re hooking up, and then I realize that her tongue is literally just like a cat’s, like, it’s really thin and kind of rough?”

Even shakes his head. “Is that where the group chat name comes from?”

Magnus’s face lights up. “Ja! Oh, you know about the group?”

Isak scoffs, throwing down a piece of his crust. “Your texts only interrupt us, like, all the fucking time.” He’s probably flushing a bit as a chorus rises around the table and Even tilts his head back smugly. “ _Not_ like that, holy fuck.” 

“Yeah,” Even agrees, and Isak’s thankful for the backup. After a pause, however, Even continues. “He mutes you guys when we’re really _busy_ ,” and the table erupts in laughter again as Even drawls out the last word. 

There’s no question about it this time - Isak’s cheeks are hot and red. He smacks Even’s hand away when he reaches for the remnants of the pizza crust Isak has left.

“Nei, none for you, you’re in trouble for that one,” but he still smiles to let Even know that it’s okay. He’s spent months trying to find the perfect words to say to join in with the teasing about his friends’s sex lives, Magnus’s cat girls, the girls that hook up with Jonas based on his reputation, the ones Mahdi meets through weed deals, and it’s such a relief to be involved in that specific type of joking. It’s a relief to look across and meet blue eyes that make him feel safe in whatever happens. 

It’s not long before Isak finds himself with the boys walking around Oslo, Jonas’s face lit up from the end of his joint. Mahdi’s brought some to share, and while they all might joke about Escobar, Isak really is thankful. 

He takes more than a couple hits as they walk, Jonas and Magnus weaving between them on his board, and it’s not long before Isak feels looser, higher, freer. The weed’s probably why he doesn’t question it when Even raises one eyebrow and asks, “Shotgun?” 

Isak doesn’t question it at all, just waits for Even to inhale off the joint and then presses their mouths together, thick smoke and the taste of something so purely Even spilling warm into his mouth. He doesn’t question it, as they stand on some side street, Isak’s friends around them, his arm looped casually around Even’s neck as the kiss multiplies his high. When they pull apart, Mahdi and Jonas are both looking away uncomfortably, and Magnus says, “Man. That was fucking hot.”

* * *

 

 

Even runs into a shop to buy beer for the boys. “I’m not having any,” he says when Mahdi asks him, and gestures at his temples. “Bipolar. Smoking’s enough for me.” The boys all nod, and Isak’s heart swells again at how supportive they’ve been. His three best friends have stood by him for everything these past few months, even though he didn’t recognize it, and now they’re here for Even too. 

Isak is sufficiently drunk and high by the time they make it back to Jonas’s, where his parents and sister are spending the night at his grandparent’s house. The boys all crash in the living room, Magnus sprawled onto the couch and the rest of them on the floor. Isak curls himself around Even, too gone to care about what it looks like. Even presses his lips to Isak’s hair. He tilts up his chin to meet Even’s lips where they are, his hand reaching behind Even’s head to reach the curls at the base of his hairline that he loves so much. 

He’s trying not to think about the future. He’s trying really fucking hard. But in moments like this, when he’s happy and tired and tipsy, Even’s hands tracing gently under his shirt, Isak can’t help the prominent thought that he could be very content kissing Even for the rest of his life, in this universe and all the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SELF INDULGENT FLUFF AND IM LITERALLY NOT SORRY
> 
> also they're watching heathers in the beginning if anyone was wondering


	5. don't let it take you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilde can't stop thinking. She's lost, until she's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from holsters by night riots
> 
> warning for some heavy internalized homophobia

Vilde watches the pasta swirl around her fork for the fifteenth time without picking it up. Her mind is going in circles. She’s tried to keep busy, but there’s only so many times she can work out, only so many times she can clean the house, only so many times she can stare at textbook pages without understanding the content. 

She hasn’t seen anyone since the night at Noora’s. These past four days have been spent with a valiant attempt to keep her brain distracted. Alone in the house, with her footsteps echoing across the expanse of walls, Vilde hasn’t been able to help but think.

It’s the worst at night. She’s taken to staying up as late as she possibly can, exhausting her body with crunches and squats, exhausting her mind with papers and assignments, until she can fall into bed around four in the morning and let sleep overtake her, music still humming in the background so that there’s no room at all for her thoughts to voice themselves. When they do break through all the barriers she’s built, it hits her so hard that she has to lay down. 

She’s been twisting the pasta for too long. The monotony of the action has let her relax, which just gives the opportunity for something to snake around her brain and say _You’re a lesbian_ , and immediately after, _you’re faking for the attention_ , and on and with horrible cycles until she’s sitting under the counter with her knees in her arms, shakily breathing and trying to remember what Isak told her. In. Out. In. 

Focusing on the rise and fall of her chest helps to quell the thoughts in her head. They’re still there, itching the back of her mind, but they keep to themselves. She’s okay. 

Vilde’s not sure how much time has passed when there’s a knock on her door. Fuck. Nobody’s supposed to be here. She debates back and forth for a second - to answer or not? Eventually, politeness gets the better of her and she opens the door with a bright smile.

Frozen. That’s how she feels when it’s Eva on the other side of the door, wiping her nose into her mittens and looking so damn small. They stare at each other. Vilde can feel her face draining of color in time with the smile sinking down her face. 

“You -” Eva starts, and sniffles before continuing,”You haven’t been answering your texts.”

Vilde can’t speak. She doesn’t understand; she never expected it to be Eva. As confused as she is, she still steps aside and opens the door wide when Eva asks, “Can I come in?”

It’s almost surreal, sitting on the couch with Eva across from her. 

“I just wanted to… check if you’re okay.”

“Ja,” Vilde hears herself say, “I’m okay.” She barely even registers that the words come out of her own mouth, her mind blanker than it’s ever been except when she’s kissing Eva. 

Eva shifts uncomfortably. “Um, Isak told me to come over here. He said… said that we should talk?” 

Vilde feels like she snaps back into her body and thinks she might physically jerk with the impact. “Did he say anything else?” 

“Nei,” Eva says, looking down. “He just said to talk.” Her voice trails off. Vilde has to stop herself from leaning forward to hear it.

They sit in complete silence for a little while longer. Now that she’s not numb with shock, Vilde’s hyperaware of everything that’s going on, her pounding heart thudding in her ears, and she thinks that she might be able to hear Eva’s heart too, beating in time across the room.

“Do you want some cocoa?” Vilde finally squeaks out. When Eva nods, she almost runs out of the room to the kitchen, wildly grateful to just get some space to herself to calm down her mind. Eva follows her. 

“Takk,” she says when Vilde hands her the warm mug. Eva leans up the counter and takes a sip, gently, testing the temperature, and Vilde’s heart hurts so badly that she has to look away.

“Do you remember,” Eva asks tentatively, “when I kissed you for the first time? At the Penetrator party?”

Vilde blushes in spite of herself. She makes some sort of noise, which Eva obviously takes as agreement, because she continues talking, a little stronger but just as soft. There’s white noise in Vilde’s ears, but Eva’s voice breaks through anyways.

“I know that I was drunk and jealous that night, but I don’t want you to think that’s why I kissed you. It was part of the reason, but not all of it, and it definitely wasn’t the reason I kept kissing you at other parties. I wanted to.”

Vilde has her eyes trained on the floor because she doesn’t think she can handle looking at Eva while she’s saying these words, because, fuck, she can barely handle to look at Eva in normal circumstances. With each word out of Eva’s mouth, she feels like she’s losing her balance, like someone is yanking the rug of her existence from under her feet. Her mind is going in a thousand different directions - Eva only kissed her because she was drunk, Eva only kissed her because Chris was there, Eva’s lying right now, Eva’s joking, she’s imagining the whole thing, this is a dream, or maybe it’s a nightmare? She doesn’t know what to think. 

Eva starts talking again, that voice cutting through the spiral Vilde finds herself falling down. “I only did it when I was drunk because I didn’t know how you felt about it and I didn’t know how I felt about it, either, but I talked to Even about it, and I figured some stuff out, and I wanted to tell you first. Vilde? Can you look at me, please?”

When Eva says her name, in that soft way, her voice wavering but still so strong, Vilde slowly raises her eyes. She meets Eva’s. Each moment they look at each other is so full that Vilde gasps. Eva’s eyes are full of fear, desperation, determination, as she looks deep into Vilde and says, “I like guys and girls.”

Vilde’s mouth is slightly parted and inside, she’s scrambling. Her thoughts are going so fast they’re not even coherent, like she’s trying to hold onto snowflakes as they melt, but there’s a blizzard around her. 

“And I don’t know how you feel about it and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or lose our friendship but… I like you.” Eva shrugs and a small, sad smile tugs up the corners of her lips. “So, yeah, that’s everything.”

Vilde returns to staring at the floor. Her hands clutch the countertop hard, knuckles turning white with the effort. 

“If you want me to leave, I understand,” Eva says, and her voice sounds a little hollow when she pushes herself off the counter and starts moving as if to go. Vilde lets out a strangled noise.

“Vilde?” Eva asks, and she’s so close now that when Vilde looks up at her concerned face, she can only see Eva’s eyes. 

Can only feel Eva’s breath. 

Vilde’s not sure who kisses who first, but if she thought it was good when they were drunk, she’s losing her mind now. Eva’s so gentle, barely moving her lips against Vilde’s. She keeps her hands off, but Vilde doesn’t care. Vilde is all too aware that they’re a precipice in their relationship - if she continues, if she pulls Eva closer, their friendship might never recover. She knows that’s what’s holding Eva back too. Eva pulls away again, saying Vilde’s name as if it’s a question again, and this time, all Vilde can say is, “I don’t want you to leave.” She doesn’t know in what way she means it, but Eva must have been waiting for those words, because her mouth is back and it’s so much _more_ this time. Vilde feels as if all the nerves in her lips are electric. Eva’s lips send shocks through her whole body, goosebumps shuddering down her arms. All Vilde can think is _oh_ as everything clicks into place around her. So _this_ is what people mean. It’s none of the queasiness she felt with Magnus, none of the obligation she felt with William, not even the sloppy heat of the kisses she’s shared with Eva at parties. 

This is real. This is everything she missed in Penetrator hoodies and back bedrooms, everything she woke up at night afraid of. She’s not afraid now. This is good. This is Eva, this is her best friend, this is _Eva_ slipping her tongue into Vilde’s mouth, Eva running her hands through Vilde’s hair to loop around her neck, Eva pressing their bodies together. 

Eva’s mouth takes her up the stairs to Vilde’s room. They don’t stop kissing the whole way, Vilde stumbling as Eva walks her backwards, making Eva giggle into her mouth. Vilde’s own smile spreads across her face in response. Kissing becomes infinitely more difficult, but they keep at it anyways, not breaking apart until they make it to the doorway of Vilde’s room.

Eva pulls away and holds Vilde’s head in place. “Is this okay?” she asks seriously. Her lashes sway over dark eyes when she looks at Vilde, and Vilde can only nod. 

“Vilde, you understand -”

As soon as Eva says Vilde’s name again, says it like that, so full of care and worry, Vilde’s gone, crashing into Eva again and falling into the bed. It’s not the first time Eva’s been in her bed, not the first night they’ve kissed, not the first time Vilde’s seen Eva without a shirt, and, fuck, this is happening. 

This is real.

* * *

 

It’s still real when Vilde wakes up at two in the morning with Eva’s arm slung around her and Eva’s mouth pressed up against the back of her neck. Eva’s hair flutters on her bare shoulder as she fights with her brain. 

_It’s real_ , she forces herself to think, even as a hurtful image curls around her instead of Eva, making her picture Eva laughing it off, their friendship ruined, Noora, Sana, and Chris all siding with Eva over her, the girls being _afraid_ of her. Isak would even favor Eva; they’ve been friends for so long. Eva’s probably awake right now, planning how to leave. Eva probably feels awful. Disgusted. Eva probably hates her. 

Vilde eventually works herself up to a point where she can’t sleep for hours, running circles through the cluttered expanse of her mind, everything repeating in patterns that don’t make sense. Light is sneaking through her window and her body is tense. She knows exactly where Eva’s touching her. She can feel it when Eva wakes up, feel it deep in her gut and feel it in the tingles that race through her when Eva’s eyelashes flutter open against her neck.

The first thing Eva does is pull herself off of Vilde. Vilde feels her absence in her bones, suddenly cold and nauseated, so she presses her face into the pillow. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She was right; Eva hates her and everything’s ruined. Fuck.

Eva’s weight leaves the bed beside her, and Vilde feels hot tears work their way out of her eyes. She can feel Eva’s presence all around her. Eva pauses when Vilde chokes back a sob.

“Vilde?” And, _God_ , Vilde breaks every time Eva says her name, her body shaking with the tears that she bites back.

Eva touches her back, gently, and Vilde pulls away. “Do you want me to leave?” she asks. Vilde’s so tempted to cry out with the same answer she had last night, _that’s not what I want_ , but she holds onto the words so tightly that her body curls around in on itself. 

“Yes,” she chokes out eventually. She knows it’s what Eva wants. She’s giving her the escape she asked for, the one where she can get out and realize that Vilde is the actual worst human being alive for taking advantage of her best friend. 

“Okay,” Eva whispers back, but - fuck, was she crying? 

“Eva,” Vilde says before she can stop herself, and that’s the problem, isn’t it? That Vilde couldn’t stop herself even when Eva was telling her personal things and was obviously upset, that Vilde used Eva. Fuck. Eva’s in the doorway, wiping hurriedly at the tears falling.

“Did I fuck this all up?” she asks Vilde. 

Vilde blinks. “Fuck it all up?”

Eva gestures loosely with the hand that’s not clutching random articles of clothing. “This. Us. I’m sorry.”

“Nei, you didn’t fuck it all up. I did,” Vilde says, still crying. She doesn’t want Eva to feel bad for something that’s Vilde’s fault. 

“So it’s fucked, then,” Eva says, “We fucked it up.”

“I did,” Vilde says again, pressing the heels of her hands into her face to hold back the tears that are coming as well as the words she knows are about to escape. “I’m so sorry for doing that to you, so sorry that I wanted that, I’m sorry, Eva, I -”

She cuts off when Eva’s lips press into her, hard and salty, both of them crying. “I wanted it too,” Eva says, pulling away from Vilde so slightly that their lips still brush when Eva speaks. “You’re not a bad person for liking me. It’s only fucked up if we hate each other now, and I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. Do you hate me?”

“No,” Vilde says, shocked to her core, “No, I don’t hate you.”

Eva brushes a tear off Vilde’s cheek, letting her thumb linger as she looks down at her with a watery smile. “Then we’re okay. I’m okay. You’re okay.”

Vilde lets her eyes close again as Eva wraps her into a hug, tight, Vilde still in the bed and Eva kneeling on the floor beside her, no other sounds except the sound of fabric against skin and Eva’s breath warming Vilde’s shoulder.

She’s okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a #doozy phew
> 
> i was writing like "Eva would not be this forward what am i doing" but then i remembered that this is the same girl who made the first move on her best friend's boyfriend so like here we are  
> ((also the beginning of the conversation was definitely taken from s1 when Eva and Jonas broke up because i felt like that was a similar situation for Eva's character))
> 
> VILDE STILL HAS SOME WORK TO DO BUT IT WILL BE OKAY


	6. teach me how to love, i've never learned how

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak goes to dinner on Christmas Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from ready by azad
> 
> warnings for discussion of mental illness, shitty parents

Isak awakens to Even’s hands brushing back his hair. He groans and rolls over, pressing his face into the pillow.

“Nei,” he mumbles. 

“Your phone’s ringing,” Even says, sounding like he’s barely holding back a laugh. 

Isak twists and squints an eye at him. “Why are you here? I thought you slept at home.”

Even replies like it’s obvious. “I did. I came back to make you breakfast.”

Fuck. Every single time he thinks they’re on equal footing, Even goes and does something like this, something so sweet and simple that makes Isak feel queasy and delirious with happiness. 

“Phone,” Even says, nudging the corner of the cold metal into Isak’s shoulder. 

He groans again and keeps his eyes closed as he blindly reaches for it. He touches the correct circle out of habit and presses the phone up to his ear. “What.”

“Isak?”

“Eva?” He starts to sit up a bit, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Why are you calling me at the fucking crack of dawn?” Even huffs out a little laugh as he flops down beside Isak. “Even, what the fuck, aren’t you supposed to be making me breakfast?”

“Is that Even?” Eva asks, a little breathless and a little too quiet, which confuses Isak even more than he already was. “Hand the phone to him, I need to talk to someone with a brain.”

Isak sits up all the way, glaring at Even, who’s looking up at him all raised eyebrows and crinkled eyes. “Nei, you don’t need to talk to Even, I’m perfectly capable of talking in the morning, even at -” he pulls his phone away and squints at the time, “ten,” he finishes lamely. He really did think it was earlier. 

“Put her on speaker,” Even suggests, and Isak waves his hand dismissively at Even while he hits the button. “Eva! What’s up?” Even says when Isak places the phone between them. Isak narrows his eyes. He’s still learning what parts of Even are affected by his mania and his depression, still learning where in the balance he was when they first got together, and, fucking hell, he’s always a damn morning person. 

“Okay,” Eva starts nervously before the rest of her words tumble through the phone, “I went to Vilde’s last night, and we hooked up, but then this morning she started crying, but then we talked it out and it’s okay, but now I’m like hiding in her bathroom because I’m fucking nervous about telling everyone, and also, like, everything is so different, and it’s good, don’t get me wrong, but it’s different.” Isak can hear her breathe sharply through the phone. 

“You don’t have to tell anyone,” Isak says petulantly. 

“Vilde’s probably thinking the same things you are,” Even points out, and Isak shoots him another nasty look. Sometimes, in the mornings, Even’s sheer cheeriness just rubs him the wrong way. He’d never admit how much he loves it. “You’re so cute when you’re grumpy,” Even says with a glowing smile.

“Fuck off,” Isak says, letting the corner of his lip twitch up just the slightest. 

“Focus!” Eva hisses. Isak scrunches up his nose.

“Just talk to Vilde. You two can figure out together if you want to tell people, if you want the title of girlfriend, what it means, the whole thing,” Even explains. “It’ll be fine.”

“Team Eva,” Isak grumbles, and he can imagine the face Eva’s making at him on the side of the line, especially when coupled with the noise of disgust she lets out at the comment.

“Okay, ja, I’ll talk to her.”

“Call us after and tell us how it goes,” Even says happily. 

“I will! Love you both,” Eva says, her voice sounding farther away until she hangs up and Isak sighs again. Even moves next to him and leans in for a kiss.

“Halla,” he whispers. 

“Halla,” Isak responds, pouting his lower lip until Even kisses him for a second time. 

They sit there in silence for a second, drinking each other in as if Even didn’t literally leave less than twelve hours ago, until Even apologetically murmurs, “I really do have to check on breakfast.”

As Even’s swinging his long legs onto the floor, Isak’s phone rings again. He rolls his eyes. He handled his first gay hookup drama on his own, why did Eva have to keep calling him? When he lifts up the phone, however, he feels a chill trace from his fingers to his chest.

“Eva again?” Even says.

Isak barely hesitates before lying. “Ja. Go do breakfast, I’ve got this.” He lets the phone ring until Even leaves, closing the door behind him, and then he answers the second call he’s received this morning. 

“Pappa?” he asks with baited breath. They haven’t talked since the concert. He’s not sure what to expect.

“Hei, Isak,” his father says, just as cautiously. “How are you?”

“Good.” Isak stays guarded. He tries to judge the situation as best he can with the tone of his father’s voice, but it’s hard without seeing his face. 

“Will you come home for Christmas?”

Isak lets out a laugh - he can’t help himself. “Home?” Home for him was the kollektivet. His mother’s house was home to his mother, not to his dad. His dad’s place was somewhere that he’d never seen. He didn’t even know what part of the city it was in.

“Mamma’s house,” Terje corrects. Isak tries to calm himself. His dad is trying. Not hard enough, but still, he’s trying. 

“Ja,” Isak sighs, “for dinner, or…?”

“Well, yes, dinner,” he says, still toeing the line carefully, “but maybe you can spend the night on Christmas Eve.”

Isak is silent. 

Terje plays his last card, voice a little firmer when he says, “Lea’s been asking about you.”

It’s a low blow, bringing Isak’s little sister into the mix, and Isak is bitter again. Two can play at this game. “Fine. I’ll ask Even if he wants to go to Christmas dinner.”

It works; his father sounds surprised. Isak takes a sick pleasure in the way he can his voice struggling for purchase as he says, “Your boyfriend? I thought you two broke up?”

“No.”

“Well, that’s nice,” Terje says. He seems to have regained his footing. “I’ll have to check with Mamma, of course, just to make sure she won’t be too stressed.”

“Sure.” Isak keeps his answers short. He figures that it’s better for everyone if he doesn’t let out what he really wants to say. 

In the lull that follows, Even calls from the kitchen. “Baby! Breakfast is ready!”

Before he can stop himself, the words are out of Isak’s mouth - “I’ve got to go. Even’s made breakfast.”

He hangs up on his father’s choked response. His hands shake a bit. He knows what he just implied, knows what his father will think, but, honestly, it’s not any of Terje’s business anymore.

When Isak walks into the kitchen, still slightly hunched against the light, Even hands him a plate and raises an eyebrow.

“That wasn’t Eva,” he says simply. It’s not a question; Even knows Isak well enough to know the tone of his voice even if he can’t make out the words, knows him well enough to know the way he’s holding himself right now is downright defensive, and Isak is actually grateful.

“No,” he says, looking down. “It was my dad.”

“Everything okay?” Isak can feel Even’s eyes on him.

“Ja, he just…” Isak exhales. “He wants to have dinner on Christmas Eve.”

“Okay,” Even says, moving about the kitchen. Isak closes his eyes in anticipation of what he’s about to ask. He hates the way that his voice already feels small, even before he’s said the words waiting in his chest.

“Do you want to come?”

Even looks up at him, surprised. “You want me to come to Christmas dinner with you?”

Isak nods. “Me. And my dad. And my mom. And my sister.” He knows exactly why he’s nervous. After meeting Even’s family, both women welcoming him warmly, he can’t manage to believe that Even meeting his will go half as well. Images of past family dinners come rushing at him - Lea crying, his father stone cold and frozen, his mother a dark mess, Isak staring down at his plate, hungry as hell but knowing he couldn’t start without saying grace. He grimaces.

“Hey,” Even says gently, striding across to Isak and lifting his chin, “I’d love to meet your family.” Isak stares into Even’s eyes, feeling safer just being able to see the way Even consciously exudes comfort. 

“That’s chill,” Isak finds himself whispering as Even leans in for a soft kiss and repeats his words.

“That’s chill.”

* * *

 

Isak stands in front of the house he hasn’t returned to in months. He’s been distracting himself from this moment for days, losing himself in arguments with Eskild about privacy, study dates over coffee with Sana, video games with Jonas and long nights of just he and Even. He can’t avoid it any longer. He glances down at the text on his phone again. 

**Pappa**

Dinner will be at 19:30. Even is welcome, but please let him know that Mamma might be stressed before. She is also on new medication. 

_Stressed_. His father has always used that word to describe his mother. Isak’s never really been sure what it meant. His mamma wakes him up in the middle of the night to explain the messages she’s found in bible verses and she’s _stressed_. Food rots in layers in the kitchen, up on the refrigerator where Isak’s young arms can’t reach, and when his father comes finally comes home, he tells Isak it’s because she’s _stressed_. Isak’s twelve, near tears, asking his father please, tell him what’s wrong with Mamma, and he just keeps repeating that she’s _stressed_. It’s a fucking cop out, a way to avoid actually talking about mental illness. It’s a way to hide. It’s a way for Terje to distance himself from his wife. 

The sign still hangs above the doorbell. Terje og Marianne Valtersen. Isak og Lea. Isak stares at it until Even bumps their shoulders together. 

“Ready?” he asks. Isak can only nod in response. 

Together, they walk into the house, Isak first, all deep breaths and shaky legs, and Even behind him, so close that Isak just knows that if he moves his left hand a little to the back, he can grab Even’s. He doesn’t.

“Isak?” 

He smiles, a real, genuine smile as his mother comes around the corner. “Hei, Mamma.” She grabs his face with both hands, looking up at him before she wraps him in a hug. It feels too good to be true, but Isak allows himself to relax into her embrace a bit. 

“You must be Even,” she says as she pulls away, wringing her hands together a bit. Isak notices. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

Even grins and offers her his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.” Marianne takes Even’s hand in both of her own as Isak watches. She’s a little too skinny, and her hair’s a little too thin, but she looks like… herself.

“We’ve brought presents,” Even says, lifting up the bag he’s holding in his other hand, and Marianne guides him into the next room, showing him where to place them under the Christmas tree. 

“It looks beautiful, Mamma,” Isak says quietly. It truly does - lights and glass ornaments, surprisingly put together in contrast to the way they’ve celebrated Christmas in the past. His mother lifts a thin smile his way. 

“Isak!” a high voice exclaims, and there’s barely enough time for Isak to turn around before Lea wraps herself in his side. He tucks her under his arm. She’s grown. With Lea being seven years younger than him, Isak’s always felt caught in between the role of brother and parent with her. He was her sole protector and her lightness gave him something to focus on until Terje took her with him when he left. Isak thinks he missed her more than he thought.

Even’s voice breaks Isak out of his moment with his little sister. “I’m Isak’s boyfriend,” he says, stretching out his hand to Terje in the same way he did with Isak’s mother, smiling that same charming smile. 

Terje doesn’t shake his hand for far too long. Even and Isak both notice, Even’s eyes flitting over to Isak as he nervously wets his lips, long fingers dangling like an olive branch in the middle of the silent living room. Eventually, Isak’s father pumps Even’s hand once and lets go. Isak tries to focus on his breathing, but ultimately, it’s Lea who catches his attention when she squirms out of his arms and moves to the presents Isak and Even brought.

“Can we open these?” she asks Terje, even though their mother is right next to her. Isak supposes that Mamma has never been the parent they went to for the answers to their questions, or, at least, never for Lea.

“After dinner,” Terje says curtly. He avoids looking Isak in the eyes when Isak walks past him into the kitchen. 

The table is set with napkins folded sloppily, but Isak smiles when Lea tells him that she did it. Terje and Marianne both sit at opposite ends of the table, leaving Isak and Even together and Lea with a side all to her own. 

They serve themselves in a silence that’s only broken by Lea asking for the bread. Isak places his hand on Even’s arm when he reaches for his fork, letting him know that they’re about to pray before they eat. 

Marianne bows her head and places both hands upwards on the table. Just like they’ve always done, Isak and Lea slip their hands into hers. Isak reaches to his left and threads his fingers through Even’s, taking solace in the way they feel infinitely more familiar than his own mother’s. He grips tightly as his mother begins to speak. 

Even traces circles on the back of Isak’s hand as Marianne speaks of how grateful she is for food, for God letting her children come together to eat, for the glory of the Earth and the Heavens. Terje sits with his hands in his lap until they finish, Even murmuring “Amen” in time with Isak. Isak untangles his hand from Even’s and begins to eat.

His mamma lays three pills out on the tablecloth beside her plate, long fingers arranging them just so. Terje’s intake of breath is a warning.

“Can’t you do that in the kitchen?” he says, and it’s less of a question and more of a command. 

Isak drops his fork to his plate with a clatter. Of course. He’s been trying so hard - ever since he came out to his parents, since his mamma started caring enough to get the help she needs - to see things from their perspectives. He’s spent nights awake thinking of how it must have been scary for his father, too, to see the woman he loved wither away into delusions and _stress_ to the point where her own children were terrified of her. He’s spent nights listening to Even’s breathing and thinking of how awful it must have been for his mamma, lost in her own mind, unable to tell what was real and what wasn’t. He’s come to terms with his mamma, realized where he erred in how he thought of her before he met Even. At times, he still feels like she didn’t love him enough to try and get better, but he knows that’s not true. He knows it’s not her fault. On the other hand, however, the more he tries to forgive his father, the angrier he gets. Terje hides - he hides and runs. Isak clenches his jaw and keeps his eyes on the plate in front of him.

“I have to take them with food,” Marianne whispers, like it’s an apology.

“You can take them in the kitchen and then finish eating,” Isak’s pappa says, and there’s a long silence in which Isak can see his mother’s head bowing under his father’s gaze.

Anger boils inside of him. He’s spent so long relearning all the hatred he used to hold in his body - hatred for himself, for who he loves and who he is; hatred for his mother, for her mind and his childhood. Being with Even has changed him. Being with Even has taught him so much that now, sitting at the same table he has for most of his life, he can see exactly how much of a coward his father is. He can’t stay silent anymore, all of them submitting to his father as if he knows what’s best. 

“Mamma, stop,” he says, as her chair creaks back and she rises to go to the kitchen, medication hidden in her fist. “You can take them here,” he adds gently, before turning burning eyes on his father. “She’s trying the best she can, which is more than you ever did.” 

Year of sadness are spinning in his gut. Years that he’s spent wondering why his father left, why he took Lea instead of his son, why he couldn’t be fucking bothered to send more than a text Isak’s way. He’s remembering first year - Jonas at his house, arms holding him while his mother screamed and cried and Isak couldn’t help. Terje put them all through hell by running away, and just paying Isak’s rent and telling him that having a boyfriend was _nice_  isn’t enough to repair all the damage he did. 

“Isak, you don’t understand how hard it is -”

“Yeah,” Isak cuts in, not breaking eye contact with his father, “actually, I know exactly how hard it is, because when you took Lea and left, it was _me_ that cleaned up your mess. It was _me_ that stayed up Googling her symptoms, trying to find a diagnosis.”

“She’s _stressed_ ,” Pappa argues, and Isak lets out an incredulous huff. 

“Nei, she’s not! She’s -” He’s about to say crazy when he stops himself. Stops himself, looks at Even, looks into the blue eyes that are telling him, _be careful, it’s okay_. 

“She’s sick,” Isak says, voice cracking with all the emotion in his slim frame. “She’s sick, and she’s trying to get better, but she won’t if you keep pretending like it’s not happening.”

His father sighs. The way he’s acting, Isak feels like it’s eleven years ago and his father’s about to tell him that he’s not mad, just disappointed. He feels so small, so young, and he fucking hates it. He hates himself for feeling this way, and he hates that he hates himself. “Finish your dinner, Isak,” Terje says. 

Isak can feels his eyes burning with tears born out of anger. He almost picks up his fork and continues eating. If this had been a year ago, a few months ago, he would have. He can’t. He can’t sit here and watch his mother sit in silence, nails digging into her skin as she holds her pills, waiting for Terje to tell her what to do. He can’t sit here and watch Lea experience the same things he did, grow up not knowing what real love was supposed to look like, eyes downcast with her legs bumping the underside of the table.

He makes a decision. He stands up, reaches his hand out to Even, spits out the words like they’re poison rotting his tongue. “Come on. We’re going home.”

Terje stands up so fast that Isak barely recognizes it. He hears the clatter of his father’s knees hitting the table, making the plates shake and his mother and Lea both jump. When he looks up, Even’s hand solid in his own, his Pappa’s face is full of thunderclouds like he’s only seen it once before, the day he left and Isak hurled himself into the door swearing, and Terje’s hands are balled into fists but he’s not looking at Isak. He’s looking at Even.

Even, who, somehow, has placed himself between Isak and his father. Even, who looks Terje in the eyes and waits, still holding Isak’s hand. 

Eventually, Terje nods. “Fine,” he says coldly. “But if you leave now, you’re no better than me.” The world goes blank.

Isak’s standing outside the door with his heart in his throat. He shivers, staring up at the house, and Even hands him his jacket. He can hear yelling coming from within, and, God, if this doesn’t bring back old memories. 

“I can’t - I have to get Mamma and Lea,” he says, and suddenly Even’s arms are around him.

“Baby,” Even says, and Isak’s eyes dart wildly from Even’s face to his Mamma’s house. He feels like he has to make a choice - Even or his family? He’s crying, tears that feel like magma running down his cheeks, and he can’t just fucking _leave_. 

His mother screams something, and although he can’t make it out, it pierces him in the gut and he surges forward against Even, releasing a broken “ _please_ ” from his lips as he does. Isak doesn’t know what’s going on. Something about being in his childhood home, right back in the situation he thought he’d left, makes it absolutely impossible for him to contain his emotions like he usually does, so he just grabs onto Even and holds as tight as he can. Even holds him back until he can breathe again.

At some point, the house falls silent. Terje marches out. He drags Lea by the wrist as she struggles, trying to go back in the house, face red as she cries. 

Isak lets go of Even and stands in front of his father. “Leave her with Mamma,” he says. His voice sounds so much stronger than he feels. “Leave her with Mamma,” he repeats, “and you go. I’ll come check on them every day. I’ll get a job. You go. We’re not your responsibility anymore.”

“I’m not going to do that,” Isak’s father tells him calmly. “I love you and Lea, and I love your mother.”

“No, you don’t.” Isak can feel Even behind him, offering silent support, radiating warmth and protection, and it gives Isak the tiny amount of courage he needs. “This? This isn’t how you treat the people you love. I know what it’s like to love someone with mental illness, I _know_ , and it’s hard, but if you’re doing it with love then you love all of them, even the parts that are sick, because it’s still them. That’s love. Love isn’t… fucking covering everything up, leaving, running away, pulling shit that separates you from your family. That’s not love. It’s fucked up that you taught me it was.”

He’s exhausted by now. His last sentences come out pleading, weak. “Leave Lea here. Or let me take her home with us. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Terje nods, once. Isak feels that, for the first time, his father is treating him as an adult, listening to what he has to say. 

“Please, Pappa,” Lea says, “can I stay with Isak tonight?”

His father doesn’t answer. He simply walks away, again, for what’s probably the thousandth time in Isak’s life, leaving Lea standing alone, across from Isak and Even.

* * *

 

It’s late when Isak tucks Lea in. Even’s on the phone in the hallway, explaining to his mom what happened, telling her that they’ll be over tomorrow to celebrate, but he’s spending the night at Isak’s mom’s.

Marianne is down the hall, having taken her medication and fallen asleep about a half an hour ago. 

The house is quiet without Terje. Isak sits beside Lea’s bed as she drifts off, head in his hands. He doesn’t know what he’ll do - he’ll have to work, but Terje should help at least some, and maybe with Mamma getting back on her feet she could work part time, too. It might fuck up his schoolwork, but the boys will help, and Sana. At least he didn’t leave this time. 

Even wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Minute by minute, ja?” he whispers. 

“Ja,” Isak says back, closing his eyes and letting himself relax into Even. “Thank you. For being here. Is your mom okay with you staying?” He’d tried to convince Even that they’d be fine if he went home, but Even was insistent. He and Isak would sleep in Isak’s old room, he’d cook in the morning and they’d open presents with Lea and Isak’s mom before heading back to the kollektiv and then, later, to Even’s house. He’d said this all with such certainty that Isak just nodded. 

“She said that it was best if I did,” Even murmurs. The two of them watch Lea sleep, her face still stained from the tears she’d cried earlier. “Bed?”

Isak nods. He checks his phone on the way to the room, scrolling through the texts he’s missed in the past couple hours.

**Jonas**

How’s it going?

**Isak**

Fucking awful. We’re still here with Lea, Pappa left again so Even and I are going to spend the night

Jonas responds almost instantly, and Isak’s heart swells with gratitude as he realizes that Jonas was, without a doubt, waiting for his text. 

**Jonas**

that bad???

You okay

**Isak**

No

but it’s fine

Also I may have accidentally told Even I love him while yelling at my dad

**Jonas**

Is there anything I can do

Not the best timing bro

**Isak**

Ja ik it just slipped out?

and no I don’t think so, just thank you for listening and always being there

*red heart emoji*

**Jonas**

Save it for your man

**Jonas**

*red heart emoji*

Isak finds himself smiling sadly at the messages. There used to be a time when Jonas sending him a heart would force Isak into a dangerous, confusing spiral of emotion. That time has long passed. Jonas has been with him through everything, through shit with his parents and teachers and Even. Isak sees Jonas as he is - his best friend, his partner in crime, the most constant person in his life. 

There’s a text from Eva, who didn’t know that Isak was going to dinner at his mom’s house.

**Eva**

Isakyaki!

My girlfriend and I want to wish you happy holidays and say thanks for everything

<3

**Isak**

<3

It’s weird to lay in his old room with Even’s arms wrapped around him, a collision of two different parts of his life, his past and his present. He stares at the ceiling of familiar angles.

“I’m proud of you,” Even says into Isak’s neck, slowly. When Isak doesn’t respond, he speaks again, so quiet Isak can’t help but think he might have imagined it. “And I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuckkdk IM SORRY ABOUT THIS it kind of took on a life of its own but i actually like the way it turned out
> 
> as usual it's a balance so to make up for this there's some good ass evilde fluff coming up
> 
> i personally subscribe to the belief that lea is isak's little sister and also that isak becomes a lot more understanding with his mom after falling in love (yeah! that too!) with even
> 
> but terje is still a piece of shit in my mind so he is here too
> 
> go yell in my inbox on [tumblr](http://lesbovilde.tumblr.com)


	7. and when the lights go out, i wanna be staring at those eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilde tells the girls and has a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from always gonna want you by stephen kellogg

Vilde stands with her hair pulled back from her face and her right hand grounded in Eva’s left.

Over the past week, she’s felt like she’s been living in a dream. She doesn’t get tired of looking at Eva, feels like she’s seeing her in a whole new light, lets the word roll off her tongue - _girlfriend_. She watches Eva walk across the floor, feet rolling like tides, and Vilde finds it beautiful. 

When Eva touches her, she feels a low heat radiating from Eva’s body. She’s full of a steady, orange flame, burning warm and solidifying Vilde’s own jumpy blue fire. When Eva looks at her, there’s such familiarity, and Vilde is entirely amazed that her best friend is her girlfriend.

But best friends exist on many planes. Eva had looked at her that morning and said, “I think we should tell the girls,” and Vilde had just breathed in response. Eva had brushed her arm (heat) and told her not to worry, the girls loved them both individually and she had no doubt that the girls would love them together. Vilde, however, has doubt. She has doubt that, at times, feels as though it could drown her, consume her, letting her fall into an endless circle of questions until her mind doubles back on itself. Vilde has doubt now, as they stand outside of Chris’s house. 

Eva squeezes her hand, once, hard. “All good?”

“Nervous,” Vilde says, because Eva knows her so damn well that she can’t even pretend like she’s not. 

“Me too,” Eva admits, pouting her lower lip out a little as she looks at Vilde. “But I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Vilde scrunches up her nose. They’d had the conversation before, Vilde whispering broken words into Eva’s neck - “I don’t want to lose them.” Now, it was real. It was happening. Vilde takes another deep breath. “Let’s go,” she says. 

Eva pulls her into the house, waiting just a second before letting go of Vilde’s hand, fingers trailing along her wrists. Vilde takes a shaky breath at her sudden absence.

“I figure we should tell them first,” Eva says apologetically, looking at her with big eyes and tilting her head towards the voices in the other room. Vilde nods, smiles tightly, and follows her in.

Chris sees them first and calls their names. Eva hugs her, laughing, and steps away to kiss Noora on the cheek as Chris hugs Vilde. Vilde is a bit overwhelmed. She tries to calm her mind down, focus on what’s happening in the moment. Sana is, as always, sitting in a chair observing all the girls, and she looks at Vilde with the smallest nod and her smile tucked into her cheek. It calms Vilde. In that moment, she is sure that Sana knows and has always known.

“Vilde and I wanted to tell you guys something,” Eva says cheerily, but when she turns back to look at Vilde, there’s a determined fear in her eyes. _It’s okay_ , Vilde thinks. Eva stretches out her hand and Vilde takes it, their eyes locked as they communicate a thousand words before Eva says two.

“We’re together.” 

“Huh? Like, together-together?” Chris asks, leaning forward.

“Ja,” Vilde says, quietly, blushing pink across her cheekbones, and suddenly Chris’s laugh fills the space around them as she and Noora both erupt.

“This is amazing!” Chris throws both her arms around Vilde and Eva, full of sunshine and pure joy. 

“Oh my God! Eva, why didn’t you tell me?” Noora says, leaning in to hug Eva first. 

Sana slides off the chair and stands. The girls calm down, turning towards her, and she raises one eyebrow as she says dryly, “It’s about time.”

“You’re not… mad?” Vilde asks, timidly. Eva’s eyes fall on her with concern.

“Vilde, why would we be mad?” Noora asks. Her voice is exasperated, the inflection conveying her frustration with Vilde’s ignorance, and Vilde blushes to hear it. 

“I don’t mean it like that! I just…” She glances at Eva for help. 

“We just want to make sure that the squad is still good,” Eva jumps in, smooth and confident, and Vilde is just so in love -

Holy shit. 

The realization hits her hard enough that she gasps. She’s in love. She’s in love with Eva. She’s _been_ in love with Eva, ever since she saw her through a haze of tears an alcohol, ever since she saw her bundled in layers on a brightly lit windowsill, ever since Eva pressed their lips together with reckless abandon for all the wrong reasons that hid all the right ones. She’s in love with Eva. She loves her hair, the way it smells when it’s spilled across her pillow. She loves her eyes, the way the lashes hang low and they light up from the inside when Eva looks at her. She loves the way Eva runs her fingers through Vilde’s hair, nails against her scalp and running through the ruts in her brain. She loves how well Eva knows her. Eva is, truly, her best friend, and the girl Vilde is in love with, the girl Vilde has been in love with, from her voice to her sense of humor to her hands to her skin to her outlook on life, and Vilde loves her. 

Vilde’s world snaps together in that moment - the moment in which she knows she loves Eva. It feels as if colors become brighter. She can suddenly breathe, clearly, strongly. Without doubt. _She loves Eva._

The change in Vilde is palpable, and Sana recognizes it, narrowing her eyes at Vilde’s intake of breath. Vilde ducks her head. She’s sure she’s blushing. Her skin feels like it’s glowing, the fire in her strong and solid.

And then Eva grabs her hand.

Her emotions surge in intensity. There’s electricity in Eva’s touch, hitting her right in her core, but there’s also something there that tell her that everything’s going to be okay, centers her, makes her believe in forever. She’s okay. Vilde is happy. Deliriously so, like she’s buzzed. Contently so, like she’s curled inside her bed with her cat on her chest. 

Chris asks questions with her hands flying through the air, looking at Eva and Vilde both for the answers. “What happened? When did you guys get together? Fuck, tell us everything!”

Eva laughs, light and glittering, and Vilde almost fucking swoons because Eva is so beautiful, Vilde is so in love, and Eva has just laced their fingers together. “It just kind of happened,” she says. 

Isn’t that the best way to say it? They fell into it, without even realizing. It just kind of happened.

“Okay,” Sana says, leaning forward. “Be careful about the mushy stuff, or you’ll turn into the new Isak and Even.” 

The girls all laugh, and Vilde can feel Eva’s shoulder shaking against hers. 

“But really,” Sana admits, grinning at the two girls, “I’m happy for you both.”

“Me too,” Chris chimes in, and Noora makes a small noise of agreement behind the red-lipped smile that she tips their way.

“Takk,” Vilde says. Eva simply smiles.

* * *

 

They walk back from Chris’s house, hand in hand, sharing a coffee. Eva kisses the foam off of Vilde’s upper lip, and it’s wildly sweet and makes Vilde’s head feel like it’s full of that same foam.

She makes it until Eva’s unlocking the door to her house before the doubt sets in again.

Vilde loves Eva. That much is something she knows for certain, knows with each and every bone in her body, knows with the way her heart fits firmly within her ribcage like never before. She’s not certain that Eva loves her. 

And that doubt, that question that sours the sweetness of the moments leading up to Eva’s door, threatens to ruin Vilde in this instant. 

“All good?” Eva says quietly. It’s the exact same question that she asked outside of Chris’s, except, this time, Vilde isn’t as honest.

“Ja,” she says, smiles bright like a thousand stars and hopes that Eva can’t see past it. 

They get ready for bed slowly, this being the first night they’ve been able to spend together since Christmas, now that their mothers are finally out of town again. Layers of clothes come off only to be replaced by pajamas. Eva kisses Vilde as if they have all the time in the world, languid, tongues barely brushing together. 

Sheets cover them as they settle in together, all strands of hair floating and soft touches with just the tips of their fingers. 

“Vilde?” Eva says into her ear. Vilde turns to her in response. “I love this. Us.”

Vilde’s heart swells at the same time that her stomach drops. Eva can say that she loves _this_ , vague and gesturing to her heart, but she can’t say _I love you_ , when those words have been about to trip over themselves in a rush to leave Vilde’s mouth. She’s conflicted to no end. She’s afraid, fucking terrified, that she’s gotten herself into another situation where she feels so much more than everyone else involved. Except this time, it’s not a russ group. It’s not the kosegruppa. It’s Eva. It’s Eva and her and them together, and she’s falling in love without knowing if Eva can catch her on her way down. 

“Me too,” she says, but her voice sounds distant even to herself. 

Eva sits up, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Vilde, something’s obviously wrong. If we’re doing this, for real, if you want this to work as bad as I do, then you have to talk to me. Like, that’s how relationships work.”

Vilde is silent for a second. She’s not sure what to say, so she just tilts her head up to Eva and repeats the most confusing part of what she’s just said. “If I want this to work as bad as you do?”

“Ja,” Eva says, the warm exhale blowing back some of Vilde’s blonde hair. “I want this. I love this.”

“I want it to,” Vilde responds. Her voice is quiet and uncertain; she’s trying to contain her soul from overflowing as it cries how much love Vilde has within her. 

“Then what’s wrong?” It’s not a question as much as a command, Eva demanding that Vilde tell her, and that kind of harshness scares Vilde into speech. 

“I’m afraid that I want it more than you,” she says. 

The words are barely out of her mouth before Eva is holding her close, tucking her into her side, and fiercely whispering into the top of Vilde’s head. “Oh, Vilde, honey, you’re my best friend. I want this so badly that it _hurts_. And this is different than anything else. I loved Jonas, and he’s still one of my closest friends, but our relationship wasn’t built on trust. It wasn't built on the kind of connection we have. This is different. That’s why I love it. Make sense?”

Vilde doesn’t understand how Eva manages to assuage all her fears so easily. She’s honest and brave and doesn’t try to hide things and Vilde kisses her, hard, noses pressed together and eyes squeezed tight because she’s simply overflowing with emotion. 

She understands.

Eva might not say it, and neither does she, but it’s there. It always has been. There’s love between them, and it’s evident in that tone of voice Eva uses when it’s just the two of them, the words she says, the way she knows exactly what to say to calm Vilde down. 

“Thank you,” Vilde whispers into Eva’s mouth.

Vilde lets her mind wander in the comfortable silence that blankets them. She thinks back over the conversation with the girls, lingering on every word, and she realizes just how lucky she is to have built a family that supports her. She can only hope that she can offer that same support. When they next get together, she has to make sure that they can focus on things other than she and Eva, like Sana’s brother and that girl, or Noora’s William recovery.

“Oh my God!” Vilde says suddenly, causing Eva to startle. She’d completely forgotten - “I have to get the kose group together to bake before school starts again!”

Eva groans, but there’s a giggle underneath it. “Jesus, can you _not_ talk about kosegruppa while we’re in bed?”

They fall asleep like that, tangled in each other. Vilde thinks, as she drifts off, that she’s never felt more at home than in Eva’s arms, with laughter on her lips and love in her heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters about realizing love in a row? sue me. 
> 
> this fic is going to finish up tomorrow in honor of the first clip (fuk) being dropped on monday
> 
> also im gonna die this chapter was so cute I JUST WANT LOVE LIKE THAT


	8. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana makes observations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEASON FOUR IN LIKE 9 HOURS AKA JUST FUCK ME ALL THE WAY UP AND HERE'S SANA'S POV

Sana watches Isak and Even at the party with great interest. You don’t know they’re together unless you _know._ Sana, who has always known, can see how Even’s eyes are almost always on Isak, even when they’re across the room. Isak is leaning up against the counter next to Sana. Without knowing, they gravitate towards one another. Sana smiles to herself at how Isak’s entire face lights up when he sees Even. He’s different now, changed from the boy that slammed his laptop shut when she dropped into her seat next to him in biology. Even props himself up on the counter next to them, and when she glances down, their pinky fingers are hooked together in a subtle display of their relationship.

Unlike Eva and Vilde. Sana narrows her eyes at two of her best friends, currently tangled on a couch, lost in each other’s mouths. They’re still in the beginning of it all, the honeymoon, Sana thinks. 

“I don’t know why they have to be attached at the fucking hip,” Isak complains. Apparently Sana’s not the only one who noticed Eva and Vilde.

“The entire left side of your body is pressed up against Even literally right now,” Sana points out, causing Even to snort a laugh into his drink. 

Isak sputters - “Sana, shut up! I’m not - God!” He rolls his eyes and drags Even away, back into the rest of the party, leaving Sana alone in the kitchen.

Even shoots Sana an apologetic glance, but she waves him on with a grin. She doesn’t mind being by herself for a little bit. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable, a girl alone at a party, a girl dressed in all black, a girl wearing a hijab and dark lipstick, a girl whose eyes are a little to intense, but Sana has long since stopped giving a fuck.

There’s less than an hour until the new year begins. People are gathered in groups, forming circles around the apartment. Sana sits back and observes.

Eskild holds a drink over his head as he dances with Noora, eyes half closed as she laughs. Noora, Sana decides, is much better off without William.

Isak is talking to Vilde, looking at her softly as Eva’s hands comb through her blonde hair. She can’t catch what he’s saying. Something happened between Isak and Vilde, something to make him look like her like she’s more than just Eva’s annoying friend like he used to, and Sana’s not sure what it was, but she’s glad it happened. The two of them make a surprisingly good team. She’s surprised that she didn’t think of their friendship before. 

Even’s laugh rings loud at something Magnus said. As ignorant as Magnus is, Sana doesn’t really mind him. He has a good heart. And Even? Sana really, truly, likes Even. She watches him laugh, tall, his eyes still bouncing over to land on Isak, and she thinks that she’ll become friends with him.

The countdown for the last minute of 2016 begins. 

Sana smiles to herself, sees Isak pull Even in for a kiss by his tie, sees Eva and Vilde fall back into each other, sees the rest of her friends erupt into cheers, and she can feel it in the air as the clock changes. 

It’s going to be her year. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was short but i'm lowkey losing my shit so YEET
> 
> and also like i have like six ideas floating around in my head for aus and one shots? so keep an eye out for me i guess idk


End file.
